I know there are a lot of tips out there to improve your sex life, but this time, I’m offering a rare perspective based on my experience as an internationally-sought after Dominatrix. But let me be clear, spicing up your sex life requires trust and intimacy, a true willingness to listen deeply and express yourself honestly.

It’s more than buying a leather skirt and whip – but those can’t hurt either.

Intimacy starts with trust which unlocks the door to vulnerability.

You and your partner must be willing to listen to your innermost desires and to effectively communicate them—this means having the courage to risk emotional exposure and owning your proclivities. For many, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship, this involves giving yourself permission to finally say what you’ve been holding back when it comes to sexual play and experimentation.

Let’s say you watched 9 ½ Weeks, and sometimes, you’re fantasizing about when Kim Bassinger crawled across the floor, groveling, begging, vividly asking to be fucked.

Or at least that’s how you remember it. All those moments in the movie when your body came alive still pulse inside you. But you never had the courage to speak your interest. Now, two decades have gone by, and you don’t know how your partner will respond. Will they be angry because you’d been withholding your deepest desires? Will they laugh at the thought of your middle-aged bodies, trying out THOSE things?

Owning our sexuality, especially if it’s kinky, can be one of the most vulnerable moments we ever live.

It might literally shake the foundations. On the other hand, do you want to go to your grave after a life-time of mediocre, check-the-box-off sex? Or, do you want to touch the stars? Do you want to discover new erotic universes that have always been within you and are now free to explode? Isn’t it worth the risk to at least voice those little twinges you’ve held back? “I want a collar around my neck. I want a hand across my ass? I want to be told, ‘Bend over and spread your cheeks for Daddy.’”

Of course, doubt will surface. Questions will rise…do I dare say I want to be humiliated? Isn’t it too much to ask to be called a dirty whore? I’m on the PTA board!

Where did that shame come from?

It can help to realize that this sexual timidity isn’t yours alone. Our country was founded by religious fanatics, and their dust is in our bones. However, we have the ability to shake it off—simply by voicing our predilections. At least one. Don’t live a half-life—reach for those stars.

There are no guarantees but there is also a really good chance that your partner will be cracked open by your willingness to share. Believe me, if you’ve been holding back your sexual desire, there’s no doubt they have too.

The mantra for embracing our kink, our fully-alive sexual selves, must be: there is no shame. Owning our different sides is key to being an integrated human. When we can do this, we pave the way for potent sexual exchanges.

Three important caveats:

1. There are limitations. Boundaries are important. Adopt the standardized stoplight codes ubiquitously used in the BDSM community. Green means, “Oh yeah baby keep doing what you’re doing. Yellow means check in. Maybe you have a leg cramp, need to pee or want to shift into a different activity. Red means game over. Stop. End of scene. You can also call blue, which indicates you want it harder, faster or crave more.

2. Ambiance is everything. Turn the TV off and get into the role. You must step out of the mundane and into the realm of Eros. Do something physical with the environment to signal we are shifting out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary.

3.Timing is imperative. Choose your moment to ask. It might go something like this, “I have something on my heart that I’d like to share. Is now a good time?”

It can help to think of your time in the bedroom (or bathroom, or airplane bathroom or kitchen table) as an intricate dance of power and fluidity, one you can play with, hone, meld, shape, and craft. With that in mind, here are some useful tips to conjure the powerful sexual dynamic we crave:

Get on your knees.

This small “move” automatically sets up a power exchange that both partners can find freeing and arousing. A little begging, a little withholding can go a long way in stoking the flames of arousal. And what’s cool about this one? This can easily be switched up—at the key moment—by engaging in role reversal.

You were on all fours, pleading to be touched, and ten minutes later, you’re the one standing tall, delaying gratification.

Role Play. Take on a character. You’ve always wanted to be the impish schoolgirl, wearing a short skirt (with no undies?), asking for a little extra time with the hall monitor? Now is your opportunity! It’s key to favor costumes and to be playful. Our curiosity and our possible inclinations can provide a wealth of options. It’s essential we let ourselves be courageous in this play—otherwise, we lose the potential for deeper connection and a stronger sense of self. And in demonstrating this courage and playfulness, we get a life-giving dopamine rush. And who doesn’t need more of that?

Do something naughty. For many people, there’s nothing more erotic than doing something taboo. Crossing a boundary can enliven the energy between two people with vibrant ramifications. Repression has a way of turning into perversion if we don’t acknowledge what lives inside us. Do something outside of your normal routine, comfort zones…what you might deem as unorthodox. Have you ever wondered about what’s in that XXX Megaplex? Who knew that going to a sex club could be the healthiest thing you could do for your relationship? Other options might be: Sex in a restaurant bathroom. Wearing vibrating panties to dinner. Sexting. Sending a sexy photo. Wearing ben wa balls or your jade egg to a business meeting. Let your partner be your co-conspirator in such a venture and see how the sexual energy surges.

Combine pain and pleasure. Our skin is the largest organ we have – and sex is more than just diddling our genitals. We can awaken new erogenous zones in the genitals and beyond. The entire body is your palette—through fully-embodied physical play, we invite the dormant areas of our physical selves we’ve neglected to return to life. And as this happens, areas of pain can become pleasurable— metamorphasizing into a sweet zing of electricity we didn’t know was possible. If your fantasy includes an element of pain, it’s important to understand that the body tolerates more pain and intensity when it’s erotically turned on. It will pay off to slow down and bring your arousal up to a simmer. Foreplay is a fine art in the domain of sex that is often neglected. It might surprise you, but kink can be a vehicle for healing.

In all of this, you will make mistakes.

You’ll find out what doesn’t work for you, what doesn’t work for him. And for some people, it might be essential to try some things out more than once. In other words, something that might feel like a mistake might actually be a first step in healing. If your g-spot has been neglected—meaning it has never been consciously, lovingly touched, it’s very likely it’s pissed. As it awakens, this anger might be experienced as pain as a first sensation. There might be tears, and that’s okay. Welcome the emotions and the healing this brings. The body has its own intelligence and maybe it’s been waiting those twenty years for you to finally voice its wisdom.

This is about more than doing something novel—it’s about transformation.

Stay Blessed,

Bella LaVey

Fetish Girl: A memoir of Sex, Domination and Motherhood