In my first ever dominatrix session, which I detail in my book Fetish Girl, I learned a few valuable lessons about how to gracefully guide another into their fantasies. I didn’t come to these lessons overnight—it took years to hone my understanding. If you want a more engaged sex life, here are a few insights to consider.
Be open-minded and drop judgement: My clients have taught me to let go of my preconceived ideas. We often get caught up in the duality of right and wrong, black and white, and attraction and repulsion, and miss a lot of the beautiful grays. I’ve gone into scenes dreading the particulars only to find the session to be surprisingly deep and playful. When a client walks in and drops his briefcase, I need to drop my expectations and move into a space of openness and connection.
Men Want to be Wanted: “Well, hello sexy,” I purr or an equivalent. It’s not only the ladies that long for romance, ravishment and praise. Our men also want to be seduced, appreciated and desired. They really want to be great lovers. Praise goes a long way to deftly guide them to our pleasure zones. There’s a talent to getting your needs met and an art to asking. I reach out to the client in those first moments and extend an invitation of desire and admiration. In that act, I have learned that I can free us both to generous and lusty, wild and whimsical.
Don’t Hide Your Authentic Sexual Self: Many of us run down a checklist with our potential mates before committing without ever asking the important sexual questions. If my work has taught me anything, it’s how debilitating it is to conceal our erotic desires. It’s detrimental to our wellbeing. By the time my clients get to me they are often 20 years into a marriage with a wife who has no idea about his erotic nature, and chances are, he’s certainly clueless to hers. Why would we keep secret our turn-ons from the person we’ve made a long-term commitment to? We need to be courageous enough and tell each other what makes us sexually tick.
Build Tension and Milk Anticipation: When you know you are going on vacation do you plan your outfits weeks ahead? Isn’t this one of the most enjoyable aspects of traveling, the preparation? This is the same way men feel about days leading up to sex. Over and over again, I’ve heard variations of “I’ve been preparing for you all week,” or “I’ve haven’t been able to think about anything else but our upcoming session!” Seduction is an art form and the buildup to an erotic encounter is half the fun. Give your lover something to look forward to. To keep him thinking about you, use innuendos, subtlety, and tease! “I’m thinking of surprising you with something later.” This is key in both the large and small moments of sexual anticipation. I have learned that if I slow my hand before making physical contact, the current of pleasure rises, and when my palm does land, there’s so much more enjoyment.
One client, Roy, had been locked in a chastity belt for a week before he knocked on my hotel room door. Every day he emailed me for permission…every day I denied it…telling him I’d see him soon enough, knowing testosterone is at its peak in the anticipatory phase.
100% Attention/Presence: After Roy finally received my permission and arrived at the hotel room, he was at the center of my attention. I made him the absolute focus so that he could feel special and desired. We all want to know we are wanted, that we can express ourselves fully without judgement or ridicule.
Make the Profane Sacred: Stay curious and understand that intimacy is a sacred, vital aspect of our lives. The more fulfilled you are as a sexual being, the more whole you are as a human being. If you can ask yourself, how can I stay fully present and acknowledge that this is sacred ground, you will find that your sex life will remain vibrant and engaging. Sex grows and changes over time, so embrace the evolution.
Risk Your Fantasies: My clients have taught me this: If someone is willing to share their deepest desires with you—it’s a gift. The risk associated with expressing ourselves is so vulnerable—and when we can put our desires into language and share that with another person, we are creating a bedrock of generosity that is key for deep sexual connection for both partners. The energy that results from sharing and accepting the core aspects of our sexuality is an essential act of fully living we can all practice and perfect.