Q: #DearBella, do I have too many lovers? How do I protect my energy?
I am a twenty-four-year old single female and recently realized that I have slept with about 12 people in the past 12 months, which is almost as many as I had my whole life before this past year.
I think ending a two-year relationship had something to do with it. But is that too many? Also, I understand that there is an energetic exchange that happens when you have sex. How does that affect your energy body when you have so many sexual partners?
And finally, I feel confused on how to interact with these partners.
Each is different. Some I haven’t talked to since, some I’ve spoken to, but haven’t acknowledged our sexual encounter. Others want to talk to me and connect again, but I’m not sure if I want to continue a relationship, even as friends. Thoughts?
A: #Dear Nymphet,
Thank you for reaching out to me with your questions. First, there is no magic number of lovers that equals too many or too few.
Our sexuality ebbs and flows. Some years we’re just way more sexually active than others. Of course being recently single plays into it. It’s only natural to want to taste other fruit when you’ve been on a restrictive diet of bananas for two years!
It’s fabulous to sow your oats and be a player, but make sure you’re not using sex to fuck the pain away after a breakup.
What I think you are attempting to learn is how to set boundaries with lovers. You don’t owe anyone you’ve slept with anything other than respect and kindness. Your boundaries may be different for each lover. You may feel a kindred connection and be interested in exploring a friendship with one lover while you flatline with another.
It’s natural and perfectly okay to fuck somebody and decide, “I don’t need to go there again.” Just be aware that your date may have a different agenda. Nobody wants a trail of one-night stands lurking behind her at parties or keeping tabs on her via Instagram. Best to set them straight and have a few rules in place. Like, “I don’t become FB friends on the first hook-up.”
Practice your lines and write them down if that helps. Here’s an example:
“It’s nothing personal, I enjoyed spending time with you, but my life is really full and I don’t have time to take on another friendship right now.”
If a guy is hard pressing you for another shag and you’re not interested, you may need to be a little more direct. Guys are used to being a little pushy to get in the door. Try this: “Oh, thank you. I’m flattered, and I don’t want to sleep with you ever again or pursue a relationship with you. Bye.”
It may feel awkward at first but you’re doing them a favor. They’ll know where you stand and can move on instead of pining after you hoping for a replay.
Not everybody recognizes the energetic body and how sex connects us to others, so I am glad to hear you have a basic understanding of this. Energetic sexual attachments are like astral umbilical cords between two people exchanging emotional energy.
Sexual energy is powerful. Be mindful of who you sexually connect with. Even casual sex can leave spiritual debris and energetic attachments. And the more intimate you are, and the deeper you connect with another, the further you energetically entangle. Some of your lover’s unresolved emotional energy could be left in your field and, if you’re empathic, you could pick up on their anger, depression or fear and think it’s your own.
Get into the habit of cleansing your physical body and spirit body after sexual encounters and clearing yourself of their energy, even if you want to see them again. As you bathe or shower say, “I release you.”
Did you ever feel depleted after sex? If so your sex partner may have been an energetic vampire, an energy sucker who feeds off of your energy. Usually, this is unconscious on their part. In time, you’ll learn to recognize people who are energetic vampires and be grateful you spent time practicing strong boundaries.
Make it a post-coital practice to cut energetic cords. Cord cutting can be an elaborate ceremony or a simple daily practice. Find a quiet place to meditate and connect to your higher self. Ask that all energetic and sexual attachments on all levels be severed. Burn sage or Palo Santo to assist you in clearing your energy field. Fan the smoke around your body with a feather.
Also, imagine the earth energy entering your base chakra and sprouting out the crown of your head, showering you with revitalizing fresh energy. Visualize the earth energy purifying you.
If you can do only one thing, take an Epsom salt bath and ruminate on the experience as you soak. How do you feel? Nourished? Numb? Blissed out? Visualize any energetic cords being drawn out of your energy centers/chakras by the salt and washed down the drain. I find it helpful to pull the cords, which feel more like tendrils or webbing to me, out of my chakras while I make audible sounds.
Sex with mindfulness is the key. You can be as slutty as you want sister as long as you maintain daily practices to keep yourself in good health and balance.
I love, and try to live by The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, a Toltec Wisdom Book.
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.
I hope this helps!
PS – Do you have any additional advice or a relevant experience? Share with us in the comments below!
Interested In Support?
For more help establishing boundaries, self care, and healthy communication, reach out here for a free 20 minute call with me, Bella.