Q: #DearBella, My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me a month ago and he’s already found a new love. I’m struggling to let him go. I can’t seem to get over him. Please help — Melancholy Margaret

A: #Dearest MM, Break ups are tough.

Humans are built for relationship and when that bond is broken—it feels like your heart is breaking into a million pieces and you’ll never love again. Take things one day at a time and, if necessary, one breath at a time. Grief and healing come in stages. This too shall pass.

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

8 ways to transform yourself through a break-up. 

1. Be extra tender with yourself. Self-love is a priority. Get touched. Snuggle on the couch with friends. Get a scrub and/or a massage. Ask for a foot rub and hugs. Hug a little longer than you normally would. Relax into that hug and don’t be afraid to cry on a friend’s shoulder.

Do something good for yourself. Get a mani/pedi, sign up for a yoga class, or go for a walk or swim. Exercise and nature are good medicine. Water is especially helpful when releasing painful emotions.

Also recommended: 10-Step Luxury Breast Massage

2. Do something good for someone else. Be generous. Volunteer. Babysit for a friend. It helps to take the focus off of yourself.

3. Do it differently. Often the default action is to find ways to distract and numb ourselves from the rawness, but when we shut down to the pain we also shut down to the magic and beauty of life. As hard as it sounds, keep your heart open through it all and cherish your sweet vulnerability. Order this game changing book

4. Call back your energy. Come home to self, to source, to your precious heart. Take a personal inventory and identify what’s working and what’s not. Focus on your dreams and aspirations. Ritual and relaxation combined with quiet time can ease the transition. Take a salt bath or smudge yourself with sage or Palo Santo. Be creative and design a bye-bye boyfriend ritual. Cut cords and cleanse the energetic body.

5. Honor your femininity.

I wouldn’t change being an imperfect woman for the most Herculean-Einsteiny man in the world, but let’s not deny that each gender has its strengths and weaknesses. Whenever we have sex with someone, we are left with their energetic imprint. And because we are the feminine sex and receptive vessels, these imprints can have a stronger hold on us.

Men not only fill us with their DNA during ejaculation, they imprint us energetically. And the more we open and let them in, the more profound the imprint. We say take me, mark me, fill me…and they do.

One of my spiritual teachers believes a man’s imprint on a woman lasts as long as year, while a woman’s imprint on a man might hold a month. Of course, this varies from individual to individual and circumstance to circumstance, but what’s important for you to understand is how different we are in this aspect. This is part of the reason men often re-partner at bewildering speeds.

Don’t take it personally.

7. Feel the feelings, but don’t wallow. Set a timer and give yourself 10 minutes a day to mourn. The way through the pain is to fully feel the big feelings. Be in the fear, and the anger, and the grief. But remember, they’re waves in the ocean. When the timer dings, place a hand over your heart and vow to love and care for yourself. Find something to be grateful for and a reason to smile.

8. Surrender to what is and resist the urge to fill the empty spaces. It’s tempting to want to fuck the pain away, but sit through the discomfort. If you start to replay old patterns, cling to the past, or latch on to a fantasy future, come back to the present moment and return to your breath.

Whenever you find yourself in a story that begins with “this shouldn’t be happening,” or “it’s my fault,” or “it’s his fault,” come back to the present moment and return to your breath. These toxic narratives only serve to perpetuate your suffering and are indicators that you’ve gone off track and are fighting with reality. Your heart has been broken, but you are not. You are intrinsically good.

And there is so much love in the world.

Hold your head up sister; you can do this with dignity and grace. As Maya Angelou said,

You may not control all the events that happen to you,
but you can decide not be reduced by them.



PS: Recently overcome a difficult breakup? Or in the midst? Comment below with you suggestions and solidarity! 

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