Times are changing. We are evolving. We don’t have to bumble our way through the first 10 or 20 years of relationship and wait until we are divorced and in a therapist’s office before we start to figure this shit out. It’s the 21st Century and there are new models for relationship and sexual wellbeing.
We’re all going to make mistakes. One of my favorite T.S. Eliot quotes is, “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” But you don’t have to big time-monster-regret-fuck up first. Well, maybe you do. This blog is for the single ladies out there, specifically those in their 20s or 30s, who seek a model on how to be sexually awake in the wild world.
- Get a Grip on Body Image and Negative Self-Talk: I know I’ve beaten this concept to death, but it’s foundational. You are never going to have a healthy relationship with another if you don’t have it with yourself first. If you are comparing yourself to airbrushed images you’re setting yourself up for failure. Step one is to hone a healthy attitude about yourself and your body. Stop saying, I feel so fat, or I’m so ____. Negative self-talk is unattractive and SO not sexy. Demand more of yourself. Imagine a little girl lives inside you and thinks you are talking to her. Do not speak badly of yourself; that little girl hears you and is lessened by your criticism. Build yourself up to be a warrior-goddess. You cannot expect to step into the bottomless world of sexuality and not get eaten up if you lack self-confidence, self-awareness and empowerment. You will become prey. Healthy sexual experimentation requires you to have lady balls.
- Know Your Sexual Polarity: We all have an innate sexual essence. Regardless of gender we resonate with either a masculine or feminine essence. An emotional connection is paramount, even in casual sex for those with a feminine essence. Best to understand this going into the game. If you have a healthy self-esteem and know your sexual essence, move forward. If not, figure your shit out before you create tidal waves in the world. Do the work sister.
- Have a Sexual Manifesto: Make it short and sweet. Read it before you go on a date.
Your Sexual Manifesto. Here’s an Example:
I declare myself sexually sovereign. I give myself permission to explore. I give myself permission to go as fast or as slow as I need to. I give myself permission to change my mind.
I take full responsibility for my sexual health and emotional wellbeing. If I am sexual active, I’ll be on birth control and protect myself from STDs. I trust my intuition, but will vet out my lovers. I will only engage in consensual sex and will ask for a safeword. I check in with myself after sex encounters. I understand there will be times when I will need to self-sooth. I have tools to take care of myself and someone I trust to talk with.
I have no shame in my desires. If I want to be pseudo raped or sexually humiliated I will ask for it. If I want to explore a specific type of play I will ask for it. If I need to be held, I will ask for it. I give myself permission to be kinky, slutty and freaky. I give myself permission to feel vulnerable, tender and teary.
I commit myself to being impeccable with my word. I am not afraid to say STOP. I am not afraid to say YES. And, even if I am afraid, I will be courageous and say what I need to say. I will be honest with myself and my lovers about what I want, what my boundaries are, and where I may be ambivalent or undecided.
Non-traditional relationships are becoming more and more the norm as we break out of the ‘Til Death paradigm, but don’t feel like you have to do or be anything other than who you are. If you need monogamy to sexually open, ask for it. If your partner hesitates or balks—take notice. Being committed to one person is really hard for the hormone-laden youth. Don’t coerce someone into your value system; find someone who wants the same.
You have an opportunity to be as slutty as you want and I implore you to do it consciously. Go out and explore: tantra, BDSM and kink, swinging, threesomes, foursomes, D/s, NSA sex and get your kicks. You’re sure to meet other intrepid sexual explorers and who knows you may even come across a new bestie or lover. Sleep around enough and you may find that the deepest intimacy and best orgasms come with the words, “I love you.” You may discover the most extraordinary sexual surrender comes when you are also surrendering your heart. But we all tick differently. No one can tell you what you will find. So write your manifesto and dream big.