Dear Sacred Slut,

I have fallen in love with a beautiful man and I desire to dive in deeply with him. The problem is he has been brought to his knees financially (and otherwise) by his not one, but two divorces. I share custody of my two children and he has one in Europe he visits regularly. How do I support him in regaining his sense of trust and opening up to a fresh start with me? How do I broach the sensitive subjects of money and trust?

Sincerely,

Sensitive $ubject

 

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Dear Sensitive $ubject,

 

Poor bloke—he sounds burdened with serious obligations that are holding him back. He can’t afford to make the same mistakes all over again. The last thing he wants is a third alimony, and can you blame him? In order to commit to a long-term relationship with you he’s going to want reassurance and clarity around your financial needs and desires. If you are struggling financially, it’s sure to terrify him. He needs to know he’s not going to be stuck taking care of yet another woman.

Men burdened with heavy alimonies may desire partners who are self-reliant. If they have not worked out their anger and loss they may harbor resentments that can spill over and taint their new loves. It’s unconscious on their part, but, to be fair, it’s gotta be really hard to let go of the past when you write a fat check every month to your former misses.

Tell him you do not want to burden him further. Let him know you are committed to alleviating his stress and not adding to it. Reassure him—”Baby you do not need to be financially responsible for me, I can take care of myself.”

Be sure he resonates with your needs and dreams for the future. It’s equally taxing for you to take on a partner who is financially stressed and tied to his exes as it is for him to risk another disastrous entanglement.

Relationships are tricky and there is no easy answer, my friend. You both come to the table with history and baggage, most of us do. Sex and money are the biggest issues couples argue over. The best plan of action is to lay it all out; have a serious heart-to-heart. Talk finances and what you both can and wish to offer each other. For tough stuff like this I turn to Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. There are four steps to NVC, observations, feelings, needs and requests. This empathic, honest and easy conflict resolution skill helps us talk without the use of threats, guilt, shame, blame or manipulation.

  • Pure Factual Observation:

“Darling, when I bring up the issue of money you change the subject and go quiet.”

  • State the feeling:

“Baby, I can see how devastating your last marriages have been for you.” or “I feel helpless and scared.”

  • Speak your needs:

“I need your love and trust. I would like us to start fresh with clear financial agreements.”

  • Make a specific request:

“Can you open up to me and trust me so we can begin a serious partnership and not repeat the past together?”

 

This link offers NVC basics and great examples.

Best of luck on your new relationship. I really hope this helps.

 

Keep the Faith

Love,

~ss
 
 
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