Make your partner a co-conspirator and share your erotic fantasies
Begin by sharing the hottest sexual movie that runs through your head when you approach orgasm. Going deep into polarity requires inquiry. Ask: What lies under my primary fantasy? What formed my sexuality? How do I express it and, how do I repress it? Spend some time considering what is at the root of your desire, your turn-ons, and your erotic self, and reveal this to your partner.
It can be challenging to be sexually honest when you fear being harshly judged or labeled as a freak or perv. Know that your authentic sexual identity deserves to be celebrated! Sharing our core fantasy may feel vulnerable, but ultimately it can bring us closer to our partner(s). It also has the potential to dissolve shame, open the doors to kink, and bring some elements of those fantasies to life.
A common fantasy for me (and many women) is being raped and aggressively taken against our will. Nobody wants to really be raped. While sane people do not condone this act, those who eroticize rape in their inner lives can experience shame. At the heart of this erotic movie is the craving to be feverishly desired, cracked opened and consumed, ravaged in love—to be chosen, adored and special. For true connection to happen in such a scenario, trust must be established beforehand. (See “boundaries and safe words” below).
Sex has never been politically correct, and there is no normal. Hot sex sometimes requires us to experiment with the roles of dominance and submission, and play with power exchange. Some common power exchange dynamics are Daddy/baby girl, Master or Mistress/slave, and Predator/prey.
Role-play is consciously stepping out of your everyday personality and into a specific character, or exaggerating an aspect of self for sexual play. As we discussed in Part 1, we have to step to the edges of the masculine and feminine to strengthen the arc of erotic tension between two people. Furthermore, there is another axis; a sexual scale of light to dark that intersects the feminine and masculine continuum. To supercharge the polarity, play on the dark side! You will experience the dopamine rush that comes from exploring taboo.
Master/slave is usually the first thing that pops into one’s mind when they think about role play, but you can get creative. There are an infinite number of role-plays that pump up the polarity. A few classic examples are Pimp and Escort, Sultan and Odalisque, and Warrior and Wench.
If role play feels too contrived, or if you know there’s not a snowball’s chance your partner is going to don a hat and chase you around the room with a riding crop, you can always play with erotic personas. You can also embody an archetype or stereotype without accoutrements.
Super Pro Tip: The masculine energy loves visual stimuli so the feminine can gift her masculine partner with dress up.
For many of us, our erotic personas are the parts of ourselves that splintered off in childhood from shame and trauma around a sexual experience and became repressed. These unintegrated parts of ourselves can manifest in recurring fantasies, hidden desires, and even unhealthy or deviant behaviors. Calling forth a hidden aspect of our personality via erotic personas is not only a vibrant way to enhance sexual polarity, but we can unlock the repressed erotic energy in our bodies and release the shame and trauma by bringing these aspects of self to the surface. There’s nothing more liberating than consciously expressing these energies in healthy, playful, sexy ways.
Give yourself permission to step into new aspects of your erotic nature by taking on an erotic persona and giving him/her a name.
There are an unlimited number of paired archetypal characters that allow you to uninhibitedly express the innate aspects of your personality with your lover. You can make up names that draw out the hidden aspects of who you are: Dominant Daddy/Slutty Sub, Hitchhiking Heidi /Ted the Trucker, Nympho Naomi/ Roger the Rogue, Dutiful Dorothy/Evil Ed. (Alliteration is not required.)
Taking on an erotic persona feels mischievous. You don’t even need to tell your partner what you’re doing, though they might ask why are you on the floor mewing like a cat and licking your hand.
Engage in Polarizing Sexual Practices:
The two most profoundly polarizing sex acts are deep throating and anal sex.
When it comes to deep throating, the act of getting on your knees before your lover conjures a state of devotion and submission, and towering over your partner who is on their knees invokes dominance. If done with skill and intention, this powerful practice can deepen sexual polarity and emotional intimacy in an instant.
The act of deep throating is connected to my heart. The more open my heart, the more my jaw and throat expand to take my lover in. If I am shut down, my whole body is in contraction. When I feel safe and loved, when disconnects are resolved and communication channels are clear, my body responds. I’m in a state of receptivity and I am able to do things I didn’t even know were possible.
Anal sex, for many, is natural and satisfying. For others, it is deeply taboo, and maybe even a little scary because ass play, by nature, requires vulnerability and surrender. Being f*cked in the ass is the ultimate act of submission and a potent means to embrace the masculine and feminine.
Toni Bentley’s memoir Surrender chronicles her profound experiences with anal sex.
I experience a regression to a very young age when he’s in my ass. I goo and gaa and giggle and feel the joy that must have existed before anxiety took over. As if all I ever wanted was to be loved while not gripping my ass, but allowing it to be as it is. And what is released along with my anal sphincter? A love that is enormous, a love waiting decades to be released, a love that flows freely, a love that is infinite at the moment of its conception.
There can be something deeply spiritual about anal sex and deep throating: It feels like I am both giving and receiving a gift. It’s a communion, an offering of the sweetest waters from the well of my femininity. When I engage in polarity play on the light side of the spectrum I feel angelic and holy. I see my partner as divine, and everything that is not love dissolves.
Caveat: I don’t advocate engaging in polarity play causally, for sex is sacred ground.
My partner knows how to push through my crunchiness and help me open, but these dynamics were crafted over time. No doesn’t mean no in everybody’s sex play, but you have to have worked this out with your partner when your clothes are still on. It’s a total turn-on for my lover to hear the words no and push past this. But, “safeword” means end of scene—always.
And Finally: Don’t do this with just anyone. PICK A GOOD PARTNER:
You need a trustable partner. Surrendering to a man is risky. Sex is more expensive for women than it is for men because of the reproductive aspects of it. Women require more from their partner. It takes more to surrender. Likewise, as a man, you need to honor the gift of your partner’s trust by making sure to respect her limits and boundaries.
May you have the best sex of your life, and may you be deeply nourished by your lovemaking.
Keep it sexy. Make it sacred.
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