Rising from the Crucible of Infidelity

Infidelity had throttled Patricia and Devon’s world. Devon stared at me with desperate wide eyes. Patricia sat as rigid as the Sphinx, a jagged wall of pain and betrayal separating them.

I flashed back 20 years, to when I sat crumpled on a therapist’s couch in much of the same state. My heart filled with compassion and hope for them. They were here.

The art of healing from infidelity is the emotional equivalent to Kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing and transforming broken ceramics into even more beautiful and stronger pieces with a special heavy-duty lacquer. The relationship will never be the same, but it can be rebuilt with a cement of restored trust that deepens intimacy and forges an unimaginable, indomitable bond. I told Devon and Patricia that this was their golden opportunity to construct an unfuckwithable partnership.

Surviving Infidelity and the Alchemy of Repair

The first step is the desire to repair the relationship. Both parties have to be 100% in, no exits, no holding back.

The second step is connecting their compassionate hearts to each other’s—over and over again, beginning every emotional and tender conversation with a heart coherence practice.

The third step requires truth telling, revealing and transparency. The couple welcomes the pain of betrayal to rise to the surface. In a container of love and empathy they give each other space to be seen, understood, witnessed and ultimately healed.

Forgiveness is the essential, final step. Katherine Woodward Thomas says, “Forgiveness is a deliberate and intentional act. It is a decision that restores vitality, possibility, and integrity to your life.” It opens the door to freedom and fresh starts.

But this process isn’t something one can simply check off as if on one’s to-do list. It’s a journey that is best done with the facilitation of a loving neutral guide. Please reach out if you need support.

The commitment to a repair is a catalyst that holds the possibility of profound connection, communion and a future of renewed love.

And a poem for you…

The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jalaluddin Rumi

Translation by Coleman Barks
(The Essential Rumi)

You are worthy, cherished, and loved.

 Stay Blessed,

Bella LaVey 

Fetish Girl: A memoir of Sex, Domination and Motherhood