Q: #DearBella, I have been in a loving, monogamous relationship for three years. I love my fiancé very much, but I am currently experiencing intense sexual feelings toward a fellow student in one of my classes. I feel exhilaration and shame. What do I do?

The attraction feels amped up because it’s forbidden. Should I share these feelings with my man? How do my fiancé and I accept that we will have attractions to others? 

Help? —Lusty

A: #Dearest Lusty, Relax.

 What you are feeling is completely natural and human nature.

Crushes are bound to happen, even when we are wholly content and connected to our partners. Being attracted to others is not an offense, you’re not a bad person, and you haven’t done anything wrong. But how you handle the attraction defines your character.

Here are some tips.

Be open with yourself about your feelings.

We can be totally happy in our relationship and experience an insane attraction to another. It can be confusing because the feelings are so strong. Mark Twain said, “There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.” Allow yourself to feel the attraction, but understand that there is a huge gap between what is an attraction and what is love.

Do a check in.

Are you and your partner connecting? Are you emotionally, mentally, and sexually fulfilled? The grass is often greener sweetheart. Take a moment to appreciate your fiancé. Little crushes will come and go. If monogamy isn’t working for you, ask your beloved if he’s open to exploring a new relationship model with you and find a relationship coach.

Ask yourself, “What kind of person do I want to be?”

Cheaters are weak. Loyal partners are Jedi. They have vats of inner strength, respect, and self-discipline. Love and life can feel capricious, but who you are at your core needs to be solid. Lust is a powerful, primitive force of nature. Blocking this intense energy can lead to frustration and aggressive behavior. Don’t stuff it. Talk about it. Feel it. Dance it out. Sweat it out in the gym. Fantasize all you want. Masturbate. Channel that energy, but don’t act on it. Above all things, protect your integrity.

Let your partner know.

Secrecy is at the root of all dysfunction in relationships. It impairs trust and intimacy. Denying your attraction to another and hiding it from your partner fuels the shadow self. It’s not healthy. Infidelity, lying, and cheating are often the result of stuffing your desires and unexpressed temptations. Talk about it.

Honor your mate.

If you are committed to your fiancé put distance between yourself and the object of your lust. Don’t tempt yourself. Promise your man you won’t act on your lust. A man needs to know his woman respects him and a woman needs to trust her man. Break up with him if you have to before you become a cheater.

Relationships are challenging and being attracted to others is unavoidable. It’s healthy to admit our attraction to others with our partners and discuss what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable. Know your boundaries.

Look the shadow self in the eye and accept your desire for the forbidden and taboo. This helps take some of the charge out of it. Crushes often give us a great surge in our libido. Share this juiciness with your partner, and invite him to do the same when he falls for the gorgeous blonde with porn-star tits and a smile that makes him weak in the knees.

Good Luck!


 PS: Does this subject ring a bell? Comment below with you suggestions! 


Feeling Playful?

Desire and taboo can be expressed safely through archetype play. All it takes is a willing partner and an open mind. Learn more in my free guide to erotic archetypes. 

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