Dear Sacred Slut,
I take pride in being a loyal, devoted, affectionate and supportive partner to the men I choose to be in committed relationships with. But my relationships often end with heartbreaking adultery, affairs and lies on their end. Why do men cheat? How can I get them to be more honest with me from the get go before things turn south? And what can I do as a woman to build up my inner reserves so I can attract a stable, faithful man into my life who has the ability to keep his dick in his pants?
Losing Faith
Dear Loosing Faith,
I am sorry to hear of your heartbreak. But keep your chin up sister— he does exist. There are some rare and faithful men out there who are not slave to the rise in their pants.
Let’s define cheating. Cheating, in my opinion, is anything that breaches sexual boundaries in a relationship. After a quick scan of several studies online men do appear to cheat more than women, but not by much. Approximately 70% of men have cheated on their spouses compared to 60% of women.¹ It’s alarming how rampant infidelity is. And, it makes me wonder, why are we not keeping our promises and honoring our agreements? Perhaps, most human beings are not, by nature, inclined to long-term monogamy.
Men cheat for a plethora of reasons including sexual dissatisfaction, the thrill of the taboo and, the quick ego boost. Many men feel pressured into monogamy and make promises they know they can’t keep out of fear of loosing the person they love and adore. There are as many reasons for straying as colors of nail polish.
Love and sex are two different birds for the masculine. A man’s self image is plugged into his sexual prowess. Men can be deeply in love with their significant other and still want to bed the hottie who’s batted her eyelash extensions at him why goggling his poodle at the dog park. It ain’t no mystery, men are biologically programmed to spread their seed. Goddess bless em, it’s in their genes, but don’t for a moment think this is an excuse for unfaithfulness and betrayal.
As a sacred sexuality practitioner the most common denominator I’ve noticed with married men is they are not getting their sexual needs met. Many of them are afraid to bring this up with their partner. They’re scared if they reveal their sexual needs, their wife will leave them. Isn’t this a good reason to periodically check-in with our lovers and sincerely ask, are you sexually satisfied? Two frequent complaints I hear are, I love my wife but, she has lost interest in sex with me or she’s stopped taking care of herself.
We all need love and adoration regardless of gender. But for guys, acknowledgement and appreciation are man-mana. If a man feels unwanted and unvalued he’s likely to gravitate toward the first woman who appreciates him. According to the studies, this will be someone he knows, and more than likely, someone he works with.² If his sexual needs are not being met he’s more likely to wander, if not to the arms of a co-worker than probably porn. So treat your fellow like a rockstar but, find one who doesn’t act like one.
So you ask, how can I find an honest man? Look for a man who has read The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida or give it to prospectives.
From Wikipedia:
In The Way of the Superior Man, (1997, 2004) Deida summarizes his three-stage view of men’s socio-cultural evolution in colloquial language: “It is time to evolve beyond the (first-stage) macho jerk ideal, all spine and no heart. It is also time to evolve beyond the (second-stage) sensitive and caring wimp ideal, all heart and no spine. Heart and spine must be united in a single man, and then gone beyond in the fullest expression of love and consciousness possible, which requires a deep relaxation into the infinite openness of this present moment. And this takes a new kind of (third-stage) guts. This is the way of the superior man.
A third stage man is aware of his knee-jerk reaction to fuck pretty things and trains himself to channel his energy in ways that don’t break the boundaries he’s made with his partner. He cultivates discipline and is committed to living a life of impeccable integrity. Cheating and dishonesty are painful to a third stage man.
Sister, it’s time to take a good look at your druthers for adulterers. You have to take responsibility for your choices. Mr. Deida on several occasions has said, “you always attract your reciprocal.” I remember the first time I heard this I was totally indignant. Hell no— there was no way so-and-so was my reciprocal. But, over time I began to see it was ridiculous to keep imposing my ideals of spiritual relationship on Mr. Unconscious. Don’t give yourself away too quickly, let the next relationship grow slowly. Allow him to court you, it takes time to discover if you’re truly compatible.
It’s important to know your boundaries and your partner’s boundaries. Is it okay to flirt, dirty-dance or make-out with someone else? Be sure to clearly define where your line in the sand is with each other. You may not be as compatible as you think. Instead of trying to force monogamy down someone’s gullet who’s appetite is for a little of this and a little of that, find someone who shares your values.
What can you do to attract a partner who will commit to monogamous love? Become a third stage woman. A third stage woman is ready to worship and adore her partner but refuses to accept mediocrity. She behaves in ways that are in harmony with her personal values. She will not tolerate unavailable, wishy-washy, abusive, passive-aggressive, untrustworthy, pansy-ass men. She radiates love and tenderness and bubbles over with affection, but turns away the run-of-the-mill with a beat-it buddy glance. She is sexually sovereign and independent but ready to surrender her heart to a man of deep integrity and purpose. She accepts nothing less.
To better understand yourself, take personal inventory of your poor relationship habits and see where you went wrong in the last relationship. Did you go against your gut instinct? Did you sense untrustworthiness and brush it aside? Be discerning and be real.
Take time to heal as you hone yourself and your vision of your perfect partner.
May we all take an oath to, above all, treat ourselves as we wish to be treated, with kindness and loving consciousness. Be sweet, love is precious and you are beautiful.
Love,
~ss
No legacy is so rich as Honesty. ~ William Shakespeare
- Lisa Penn, Cheating Statistics: Do Men Cheat More Than Women? Yourtango.com, June 7, 2012, http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/cheating-statistics-do-men-cheat-more-women December 5, 2014
- Cheating At Work? Survey Suggests 66 Percent Of Americans Fear Infidelity At Trade Shows, August 20, 2012, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/20/cheating-at-work_n_1812041.html December 5, 2014