This is going to be hard to swallow for many of you. But spitting out these words is liberating while making me terrifyingly vulnerable.
I am emotionally stripping myself down to the core as I share the intimate details of my Fetish Girl Diaries, my life. I am doing this because I believe the content is unique yet simultaneously equivalent to the reality of other sex workers, containing the same elements of shame, empowerment, confusion and alienation experienced by many of us.
I am sharing my truth with the hopes that it will touch the heart of someone, make someone laugh and humanize the harlot.
I have included my struggles with personal relationships because I feel it is important to let others know they are not alone. I know the co-dependent circle of abuse ring for ring. And, I know from conversations with other women in similar situations that they too have felt the scales of personal integrity tip and teeter with the heavy emotional demands of sex work.
Boundaries change, boundaries shift and boundaries get broken.
We live in secrets to protect ourselves.
There were times when I looked my lover square in the eyes and said, “I don’t do that, not me.” I lied to save myself because at the time I couldn’t even admit to what I did to the woman staring back at me in the mirror. I did what I did for whatever reasons. I didn’t have too.
It was easy for me to live in two worlds, until someone started asking questions.
I created a character, my alter ego, Evil Kitty in 1998.
She is a hard-bodied femme fatale. She is a fantasy. Through my website, men from all over the world contacted me and I traveled to a different city every month to meet them. It is not my intention to hurt anyone by publishing the reality of my sessions. I am sure some of my clients would be crushed if they knew how I felt at times. Names are changed to protect their identities.
The world of fetishism is limitless and fascinating. I embrace it, explore it, love it and hate it.
I am not a traditional dominatrix by any means.
I am a fetish girl. I role-play. I wrestle. I dominate all in any number of combinations. I am a sex goddess, helping many men heal by the simple acts of unconditional love and understanding. I change their lives by allowing them to accept themselves, be themselves and, to embrace the shadows that previously terrified them. I pray that by working toward this level and sharing this information, we can allow room for the sexual healer and sexual priestess to exist in our society.
What is to follow is verily my unadulterated confessional.
Bella LaVey, aka “Evil Kitty”